Interpersonal conflicts are sometimes inevitable and would happen even with your close ones. In the case of S and J, the issues that came to pass are: should the effort that one friend put in for the friendship, be equal to that of the other?
S and J have been good friends for a long time now. J has a more helpful personality and has always helped S whenever S needed help.
Thus when S has to work at a very far place before 5am, J volunteered to drive S to work. However, there was once, J could not make it because she has worked overnight and wanted to sleep in. S was angry that J refused to help her and that the reason was she wanted to sleep in. So, S called J and chewed her out on the phone. J on the other hand, thought that S was not being understanding and took her help for granted. J replied that S was selfish and only wanted to make use of her. J then hanged up on S. Since then, they have gotten into a kind of cold war.
We are always told that friends should help one another but in this case, did S make use of J’s friendship to get J’s help? Or was J being too petty or even selfish? In addition, the emotions of S and J played an important part and needed to be understood. Why did S felt so angry when J has no obligation to help her? Why did J felt that she was made use of when she helped S in the past willingly?
Last and most importantly, could they have made the situation better?
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4 comments:
Hi Yuanlin, I agree with you that the issue about the equity of effort in a friendship or even relationship is something that is not clear in most situations. May refer to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Equity_theory to see more about what is discussed in this topic.
Giving S the benefit of doubt, I assume that S did not befriend J so as to get J’s help. And J was not petty and selfish. I feel there is a breakdown in communication during their exchange that day and both did not communicate what they feel properly and thus leading to the ‘cold war’ which then worsen the situation. J may have felt ‘made used of’ because she do not feel that S treat her like a real friend or that she would do the same for her if she was in her shoes. I feel this maybe due to J expecting something from S (for example, being appreciative) and sending S to school is something that J will not want to do if S is not her friend. Going back to the equity theory, J might have felt that she is giving too much to the relationship and become ‘angry ‘ when S accused her of being selfish.
Furthermore, it may be a long time since J started giving S a lift to work and the relationship between S and J may have changed. I feel S felt angry because she got accustomed to being ferried to work and start to take J for granted. Or S may relate the act of sending S to work as a sign of their strong friendship.
Finally, I feel that J could have inform S that she may not be able to send S to school all the time especially when the workload gets heavier. S should have a reasonable expectation of J and be more appreciative and understanding to the needs of her friends. Both should communicate their feelings effectively so as to cut down on things they may regret saying later and that the other party will understand their stand.
Hey Yuanlin,I have to say that interpersonal conflicts are inevitable and would happen even with your close ones. I have experienced this with many of my loved and closed ones.I felt that S took J for granted and at the same time S could have looked upon J as a very close friend and expected J to help every single time. So it all depends how they took each other's friendship.
I also agree with Sebastian that J could have informed S that she may not be able to send S to school all the time especially when the workload gets heavier and S should have a reasonable expectation of J and be more appreciative and understanding to the needs of her friends.
Communication is very important and it would not have led to such a misunderstanding if S and J had communicated with other.
Hello Yuan Lin! :D
YES! i agree with you. I feel that communication is important. This could reduce misunderstandings among one another, and instead strengthen the bonds between friends.
Communication is in fact the main gist of most of the conflicts that I have read so far. Hence, emphasizing the importance of communication, among friends, colleagues, teachers, acquaintances etc...
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